WHEN I CHOSE MYSELF!
WHEN I CHOSE MYSELF! When I was younger, I equated success with money. I made some choices in life that led me down a path of confusion and pain. I couldn't get ahead. Each time I made a decision it was only driven by financial gain so it was never wholesome. I did not consider my health, relationships or contribution to society in any way.
I found myself in a position of continuously chasing money so even when I did make good money, I was never satisfied. I always wanted more.
And because I ignored my health I unintentionally abused myself. Often eating junk food, having unhealthy sleeping habits and drinking copious amounts of alcohol. Those habits were overlooked and not long after, they became the norm.
Ignoring health also meant ignoring my emotional and spiritual health. I never considered expressing what I felt to anyone. I thought it was a completely useless thing to do. It was weak to me. And if you did it, I thought you were weak too.
Spirituality? What was that? Some woo woo shit that takes you away from making money. That was my attitude.
And because of never considering what meaningful relationships could be, I didn't do my part to contribute to them. If you were in my life, I would want to get something from you. "What could you do for me" was my approach in any relationship.
After so many years of simply ignoring everything else except money, I realized I was in an endless spiral of chasing things trying to unconsciously find fulfillment as if it existed somewhere outside of me. And soon after that I found myself trying to numb my thoughts and feelings. They kept getting louder and I tried to drown them because I was blindly chasing after something I thought would bring me happiness. Drowning them meant more alcohol, less sleep and more noise around me.
I was scared to be quiet because I secretly knew I would hear my soul again.
At this point I was intentionally abusing myself to shut down my spirit. These weren't only habits anymore.
If I can only make x amount of money, then I'll be able to do things with my life that I really want.
An illusion that seemed all too real at the time.
There came a point in my life where I started to see this endless cycle that was being repeated but I also felt stuck in it. I thought I was too deep in it. If I try to change now I would have to start over and I wasn't going to do that. So, although my intention was to get out of that cycle, my approach took me deeper in it as I tried to convince myself this was the path and I'll make it work.
Well it didn't work.
It backfired on me. I became a very angry man that was completely lost but acted like I wasn't. I had a beautiful mask on. Actually, it was more like a full costume. Internally, I was extremely scared. I was acting out of fear and this led me to make more choices that were out of alignment with me. The pressure was building inside because I wouldn't address it and it came out as aggression to others, self abuse or sometimes both.
Finally, I realized that I was never choosing myself. I chose money, I chose prestige, I chose the next shiny object. I chose other people's ideas and values. I chose society's beliefs, but never me. What's funny is that I was always in a state of scarcity when I operated this way. I didn't feel like I was achieving anything significant anyway. I can see the silliness in it now.
Maybe I should choose myself... Well there's a thought.
About 8 years ago, I slowed down a bit and questioned everything in my life. That's when I started to shift into a bit more of a positive life. I started to live a bit more intentionally.
But I was still living from others' values and beliefs. I had no confidence in myself so I let others influence me what was right from wrong.
It wasn't until just over 4 years ago that I started to get a glimpse of who I truly was and how I wanted to design my life.
That's when I chose myself.
And when I did, everything changed.
Internally, I completely shifted. I discovered what I valued in life. I found out what brings me true fulfillment and what I wanted to give meaning to. Then I made choices that had my external world shift.
Slowly, I started to shape my life into a way that was aligned to me and my values now that I knew what they were. I started to unlearn all the things that were holding me hostage and controlling my life. I focused on investing in myself. What lights me up. What I want to do on this planet with my time here.
And the answer (after a good struggle) was simple. It was to give. To give myself to others freely. To serve others in a deep way. It was about more than myself.
So I slowly, reset and prioritized my values. I replaced my beliefs. I started to completely redefine what success meant to me. I came to understand that money was a byproduct of what I give out into the world. I was living my life making one byproduct as the only goal. It was a shallow way to live.
Money is great to have and very useful, but it doesn't have to mean anything more than what I consciously want it to mean. That's when it is great.
My health improved as I focused on it more than ever. I read about foods that are good for me and which ones produce energy for me. I consciously chose food that nourished me. I made my sleep and exercise more of a priority. I expressed my emotions regularly and became centred.
My mind was more at peace.
I also understood that I was a spiritual being having a human experience. The pressure was literally being lifted. My relationships in life showed to have deeper meaning for me after I intentionally focused on them. I shared more of myself with even more people and started to feel my heart expand.
This also meant I lost some people from my life, but It made space for others that related to me. I wanted relationships that don't just skate on the surface. I wanted depth. I wanted to swim in my connection with others. I wanted relationships that help you grow and expand. Ones that you want to nurture because they are real. I understood that a relationship is a place you go to give, not get.
And that's what makes them so rich and full of life.
I discovered that genuine connection happens when you share more of your inner self. When you generously give.
It was scary at first, but the more I did it the more I got to see that bridge that deeply connects with others.
Now, my approach to life has shifted. I ask myself, How can I truly add value to your life. What can I share with you that will help you expand.
The relationships in my current life have more meaning. My number one value in life is Fun.
If I'm not having Fun, I adjust. This keeps my relationships Fun. It keeps my work Fun. It keeps being healthy Fun and almost anything else I do is led by Fun. Because to me, life is meant be naturally Fun. We are most creative when we're having fun. There are days that come when I feel low or stressed. When that happens, my number one value guides me back into Fun.
What can I create today that will be Fun?
That's the golden question. It changes things immediately.
I am now genuinely in love with life living it slowly and intentionally with love and kindness for something much bigger than myself.
Money has become a byproduct of good service. It seems to show up when I focus on giving and serving in a fun way. (Took me a while to learn this) I still have days where I contract and go into my thinking too much. I have days with doubt and fear. I have days when I want to just shut down and lay on the couch.
But I have more days that are filled with complete Love and Joy. I have more days of Immense Gratitude and a feeling of Oneness. I have more days filled with Adventure and Fun.
I learn everyday. I will always want to challenge myself to grow each day that I'm on this planet. I want to be more and do more.
But it's also necessary to look back and marvel at how much progress you've intentionally made and what you've created in your world because just doing that is Powerful. You can continuously build from that place.
I look back now with such gratitude for those experiences. I'm grateful for what I've learned. I'm deeply thankful for all the coaches, mentors and friends that challenged me and supported me. I can bring much more value to the world because I chose myself.
When you choose yourself, you are creating magnificence for everyone in your world, not just yourself.
When was a time in your life that you chose yourself?